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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A curious Virus.

Woke up with a weird feeling today, alas I was Infected! ……


 I looked at my notes of economics that I possessed and my reaction confirmed my belief,I didnt understand anything ……Gibberish!

I, as I told a good friend earlier that nite was Under-Under Prepared…Oh well.. I thought Ill at least give the exam, beats not giving one..

Somehow this year, I’m not scared of doing like Crap!......Well… the fact that this time the marks don’t matter and will have no consequence whatsoever does help to ease my worries..;).

Turns out that none of the people I know were prepared……..at all.

And these were not just people saying that they were not prepared because they wanted to blend in with the crowd, by the looks of it there is a I-don’t-care-enough-to-study-for-the exams flu going around campus, or is it just a few friends I know ??*anxious*I hope the virus does its Job.

                While in the train, I was not making a great effort to study, I didn’t see the point ..how much more could I cram up?? ..and I had to understand what I was reading, I don’t understand sometimes what’s with economics..whats with the big words? By the time I reach the middle of the page my mind stops registering what I read and I’m just reading, kinda like what happens during the lectures!   So I was jabbering away in the train to keep myself entertained, no I really didn’t care that my friends were trying to study, since we were bitten by the same bug I knew they were just trying to appear normal for the fear of God -alone- Knows what!! ….Karen even said a few times that she didn’t feel like studying ! But yet the poor thing was making an effort to cram..

                 As a part of my train entertainment programe I started with me "Whys" (my favorite companions) Why do we have to study?  What consequence is our education going to have ?  Will I need to know Lewis’s Theory of unlimited labour supply to survive? Will Solow and Lebinstein help me with the laundry?
We all know we are doing this for the stupid certificate that calls us Graduates…but what’s the point of graduating if well at the end of it we don’t know what we are graduating for!

I made a wrong choice I tell U and I am realizing it now ……But if I didn’t make this choice I would never know its wrong
 I didn’t think it out properly, and I have to live with it!
                     When we reached Grant Road Station, we decided that we would get done in half an hour and meet in the canteen later, I met my friend Cheryl on my way to class, she appeared so calm and confident, I asked her if she was prepared she told me she wasn’t, some how I couldn’t buy that, It intimidated me further, I told her I was under-under prepared and she said its okay everyone is ….She didn’t seem so, I wished her Luck and headed for class. I was glad I didn’t come across any class mates, they ask me whether I have done this and that and name chapters I never knew existed! This does nothing for my nerves, it also hampers with my ability to make upon stuff on the spot and this is a ability I had to rely on today so I had to maintain it!

                 I wrote Slowly and deliberately in class, I was thinking about how to make my self sound convincing, and I just attempted three out of the eight questions there, so well, I thought Id do my best*sniggers*. I hoped to be the first out of class but two fellow infected economic double majors got there before me, Oh well I thought, third place for me then, just had to complete a sentence but when I raised my head I saw another ailing Double major leave !

Not even Third !!! WHY GOD WHY!!*sniff sniff*

                   I “completed” my paper and handed it over with a big smile on my face.. I don’t know why. I guess the first times are always special . I knew that other fellow infecteds would soon follow. Everyone waits for someone to hand over the paper first, some one..a leader.. to take the initiative and non verbally express the simple truth , “I didn’t study and I don’t Give a damn”, the rest follow immediately. I don’t know why I was smiling, I gave a dismal performance but yet there was a spring in my step. It’s the virus I guess, I like being infected though.

                On my way out I met Cheryl I asked her how she did, she said she wrote one… actually half an answer, she was glowing, Cheryl’s joy is very infectious!! It looks like I was the one bluffing when I was boasting about how under-under prepared I was! We had a good Laugh and I was on my way home. Abnormal Psychology next……I'm still infected though.

                Oh and I didn’t mention this, on our way to college I was testing out Karen’s Foofa Fortune game, Its something like a virtual Magic eight ball …

This was my Question,
“Are these studies important, will they matter in Life?”

                      Foofa answers: NO WAY!

                         All hail the Foofa!!!!!!!!!!!!

My worst paper ever and Im all smiles.........Some..Including my former self, may say I have lost it.....

But the Mona Lisa Smile I see in the mirror reminds me.......I know something that U don't...*Wink*

Monday, November 30, 2009

Mera Favourtie Word.....

"Why?..."
One word ....
It will get you Thinking,
Understanding,
Questioning....
Don't be satisfied with the "it has to be this way", "because I said so", "they said so, so it must be true", "Just"or "No reason" answers ....

Firstly ...with me .. the last two can be majorly disappointing conversation Killers!

And well there is almost always a reason behind everything.....

A satisfying answer just as unique as we are, that makes sense and resonates with our being.......(here I'm really not talking bout stuff like, "Why do U like Tea and Not Milk? " although..come to think of It there are good reasons hmm...I can elaborate ...But I'll spare U the trouble....)
Discovering such "answers" has given me great Joy ..and made life more meaningful..................

I Love "WHY"!!!

Its the best Word ever made ...invented ...spoken...
Question the world around you ...Its fun....

Embark on the journey of the "Why"!

All U need is an Open Mind and a Receiving Heart Books, the Internet, Patient parents, Supportive friends and a world that understands the obsession......:)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Who is it?

12/3/93, 11/7/06, 26/11/08...........................Etched ???humph.....




Spirit of Mumbai?



...or just an excuse to say that we will not do a thing yet again...
The beeping metal dectors at Churchgate echo my sentiments......


_/_/09?  _/_/10?  _/_/11?



It will happen....... it’s not coz I’m without hope for Peace...not because I’m a cynic ...but right now.. living in Mumbai..In India…In this world.. . I know.......



Is Kasab to blame?..

Or the handlers who trained him.. who thought him to kill till the last breath?

Or those who indoctrinated these handlers ?

Who indoctrinated them ?

Why didn’t anyone tell them this was not the way?

Who stood up to set an example???

Who stood Up against War?

...............U.S? U.K? Russia? India?

Is the death sentence for Kasab the answer?

What right do we have to tell these people to stop?

Our government isn’t exactly using Peace and Non Violence as Foreign Policy is it?



Do we as citizens use it?



Terrorism…It All started somewhere for a reason....... It wouldn’t have sustained if there wasn’t any reason for it to......



Every terrorist has a family

Every Terrorist has a Mother, a Father, a Brother, a Sister............

Every Terrorist is Grieved for by this family



Every Family member is human and therefore feels the anger feels the pain of losing someone they Loved.....Someone who laughed cried and played with them.........



Who killed him???

….Those people....

I’ll Kill them..............


(Relative of a terrorist or that of his Victim ....U decide)



Terrorist are but Humans passionate about a cause.. to such a point that they are ready to Kill and Die for it.....

What is the difference between those who killed the 140,000 people in Hiroshima and 8000 people in Nagasaki with two bombs deployed from thousand of miles above the ground ....


And

Those 10 people who came in on 26/11/08 and wrecked havoc in the city of Mumbai ..... killing 164 people .......and dying in the Process..

Whats the difference between the then U.S president Harry Truman ...and Kasab's handlers?

Which of these can truly be called Terrorist???


Ask the present generation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki who are still suffering from the physical after effects of the Atomic Blast.......

Ask those who are suffering from the emotional after effects of the 26/11 attacks......

Who are the Terrorist??

Is anyone willing to Forgive?
Will  we ever Forget?





"We will not stop until the last of them is Dead...and ________ is completely wiped off from the face of this earth"



The Voice of a terrorist...?

Or

A Cry of a Righteous citizen Seeking Justice...........





....U decide.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Exam Reasoning....

The Exams are approaching (tomorrow) and for once Im not biting my nails .....No No I haven’t become complacent ....I haven’t given up....No.....
But for once I just don’t care that much ......... Its not that the exams are not important ..its that they are not that important ..........

Studies and mugging can only do so much.......

It doesn’t teach me how to live,

How to stand up for myself,

How to deal with disappointments,

How to overcome "failures"......some of the most important lessons that we learn cannot be ...and will never be learnt in a classroom.

It can be learnt during long conversations with friends two days before exams, through silence, by just observing and listening to the world around you. The most important lessons are learnt through feelings of anger, jealousy, guilt, hopelessness, by participating in and experiencing life.

Right now I am taking charge of my life!! It feels so liberating and taking responsibility feels good!

I feel fully aware of the consequences of my actions and am ready to face it......

I am purposely not exactly studying today ............ because my mum’s stressing on it ... the more she says study, the more I don’t want to. I want to study because I want to study ...not because I want to please a Teacher, a Parent or an Aunt..............

Just had a row with my mum and she said I had a responsibility towards them..... I know I do ...but what about the responsibility that I have towards myself? Doesn’t that count for anything???

YEah I have been given a choice and I am thankful to my parents for working so hard that I have one ....but what’s the use of having a choice and then not using it?? I really want to be sure that what I am doing, I am doing because I want to do It ...even if I’m doing something for someone else it should be because I WANT to do it not because I HAVE to do it...... there lies the difference between feeling happy or resentful of one’s choice.

So the not so-important-exams here I come .......sunglasses on, sipping on refreshing coconut water floating on my buoy, relaxed, composed .........let tomorrow come ...Ill deal with it.

Here is a Quote that I put on Facebook a while ago…
"Education Boon or Bane??...depends on who U are ..........I mean....... Look at Einstein!!"   - Zena.
I don’t have anything against education as such, it is very important…..But here in India its not as flexible as it should be.... thats what I think anyway...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Confusion ~ Conclusion!

Zena !!!!Hey come here
Zena Looks confused goes there .........
Zena here!! come here !!!!
But Zena doesn't want to come there No she doesnt!
Zena Sits confused
But what if they are right ..........??????
Come here Zena !!!!
No No No NO NO!!!!
Come !!!!
NO I dont want to !!
Come!
NO NO!
COME!!
Huh?? yeah Im coming ...........
She goes there ..........
Looks around ...........
Hmmmm now I'm sure I dont want to be here you fool! I was right all along!!!I just didnt know!


There she goes, back ....back to her place back to what she knows ............
They will follow .....in their own time they will..........They just dont know yet ...
Stupid People ....making me doubt my self ...
Stupid Zena doubting her self.....

Well now we know ....
Yeah alteast now we know.....

Another Lesson learnt ............
Believe Darling Believe..........

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

ME???

Who am I????


Does anybody know???

OH MY GOD!!! I Look Like them

Two hands, two legs, two eyes

and one Nose.



Who am I???

Can You see me in the crowd??

Can you hear me....

Can you see me ??

My arms Flailing...Im wailing, out LOUD!!



Who am I??

I know Im different.....

I know Im not like them.

I will never be ....I dont want to be.............



BUT ...

Who AM I

To deny the fact that

The same GOD that dwells in THEM

Also dwells in ME.

- Zena YArde.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Lights, Camera ENERGY!!and a whole Lot More!!!!!!

"Lights Camera Energy!!!!"

This is what I felt when I recently attended a three day drama workshop held at the Dioscese Youth Centre, Bandra.
More than fun (which it obviously was) it was Inspiring!! Very inspiring!!
"All worlds a stage and each must play a part"
Here we were a bunch of eager learners playing our part............
Move Jump Become a tree move your face muscles, smile, frown, stretch, let lose, Let Go!!!! Let GO !!Let Go!!!!!!!!LET GO!!!

                That’s what drama is all about .......Letting yourself go and being possessed ........possessed not only by your character, but also by the incessant desire for perfection, for giving your best for being outrageous!!!!! Larger than life!!!
              Watching Fr Walter made me realize that there is a thin line between casualness, drama and being overly dramatic, actions have to be amplified on stage to captivate the audience, but over amplifying the actions leads to a total crappy sappy performance.
              He split us into groups and asked us to come up with a play that we would have to put up. We came up with a thriller entitled, “Thou shall not”...(I will Put up the video as soon as I get It )......It’s not entirely professional but it’s the best we could do in three days !!! It’s a cool play and the most important thing was we gave it our best...even if we were staging it for a group of 7-8 people .We put our Whole in it ....It was a long time since I wrote a script and well……, the feeling was pure bliss!!! ..Like my brain was rewarding me for realizing that, that part of it exists!!!!!!

               I loved the feeling!!!!! It took me back two years to the time my friend Cheryl and I got together to write a script for an inter-class one act play competition ....It was then I realized that I have a knack for writing ...It was the similar experience only there it lasted for a week .....It’s as Harry felt when he was leading the D.A revolution against Umbridge It was like, "he was carrying a talisman in his chest,over the following two weeks, a glowing secret that supported him through Umbrirdge's class and even made him smile(OMG) blandly as he looked into her horrible buldging eyes!!" I felt the exact same thing ...the script, the immense belief thatour Idea would work, the time we had during practices.... was my Talisman....Everything felt nicer, much more enhanced and I felt.. FREE!!!!!!!
              Very Free!! I didn’t think that people were looking or that I looked like an utter fool when I explained the play to my friends, when I showed them my moves at Grant Road Station.. ... I dint care!!…….. I was Free !!and there was a light within me, it empowered me, really really empowered me, And I did my best!!
          On stage I was Ethan, head over heels in Love with Crystalann .........who needed Cupid to intervene because of Crystalann's disinterest!!!
The performance was outrageous and CRAZY!!!!
I actually danced on stage!!!

               I…ZENA!!! ZENA YARDE 'Super conscious when I dance ZENA'!!!!… DANCED.. on …..STAGE!!!! ………STAGE!!!!! U know how big that was for me?????????????Me??? the eternal "I don’t dance" person?????

And my dance didn’t even have complete proper predetermined steps!!!!!
[ Except for the part where I danced with Crystalann, thanks to the efforts of Cupid (Cheryl ..bless her soul)]
I was totally making it up !!!!!!! Crotch thrust and all!!!!!!!!!!!!!Talk about Letting Go!!!! It was the most ecstatic that I’ve ever felt!!! The Group from St Andrews College that consisted of some really talented HOT guys, was screaming “ONCE MORE !!!ONCE MORE!!!!!!!!!”*Sigh*

Was I in heaven???????

             HeLL YeAH!!!!
          
                     But our balloon badly deflated when we came in Third!!!!No one...and I mean NO ONE!!!! Expected it ............and when they announced Best Actor a lot of them looked at me but some other girl got it!!!!! Oh The Injustice! I tell U!!!!!!
            I was so so so very disappointed!!!!! Cheryl was down too!! I tried to cheer her up but my sad sullen face just wouldn’t do the trick!!!

           But then, on my way home .........thinking about it all .......I Smiled ...............maybe the most satisfied smile in that train......I smiled cause I remembered the time we all spent together practicing for the play ..... The fun we had putting it up. The talisman in my chest glowed brighter and inspite of our "Loss" I was happy!

I learnt that I was talented,

I could dance like crazy in front of 60 something people when I wanted to,

I can write a killer Script that appeals to the audience,

I can get HOT actors Screaming "ONCE MORE ONCE MORE" *sighs* what more could I want????
And, the most important lesson of all .........
"It’s not always the destination But the Journey that counts"
 If the journey was crappy, one would not appreciate the destination too.

And well, the second most important lesson ...Judges decision really reflect their own subjective opinions, bias and observations and may not really be the only decision that would ever be made at that position in time..............

Come on are U going to tell me that those guys …..And girls.. For that matter, screaming for an ENCORE were fools???Naaahhhhh they just judged differently ....and if they liked it We won!

           Our 1st Prize was  members of the other groups saying that we should have won,

           Our 1st Prize was the St Andrews people (who showcased a superb performance themselves later ) screaming "Once more Once more !!!!!"

           Our 1st Prize was the Joy we could feel even when we thought about practice time..

           My Prize is the memories of the play I have, where some really great people I learnt a lot from, really believed in our play and took time off to help us fine tune it !!

           Our 1st Prize was that we actually really really WON the First prize in a more profound way!!!!!

We felt like winners.....during making the play as well as a day after the results were announced!!!(We were not very happy at first remember????)

We ARE winners!!!!

           The three day session on dramatics brought back all those memories, all those feelings ...they filled me as we were planning the play ....the script again became my talisman .........things that seemed so big a moment ago were dropped, Just like that!! ...like those troubles never mattered, like they never were there in the first place.... the play was all I could see..........

         THEATRE …all aspects of it, has such a profound impact on me .........and trust me I have not found something equivalent to it as yet!!!


The Brochure that Fr Walter gave us posed this statement to us

"Drama Requires Dedication of your whole self are you ready for it??"
U already know what my answer is don’t you............??????









         !!!!!! HELL YEAH !!!!!!!!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Good things dont End!

“Love is not a feeling, it's an ability.” - Steve Carell
Dan In real Life.
I watched this movie today, Loved the way Steve Carell performed, he brought out the character well and I could feel the longing and the turmoil he was going through and the wrongful rightness of it all.......Its something that made me laugh, cry and pull my hair and Yell "What the hell are U thinking!!!"
I really loved it!

 Then today as I was watching yet another rerun of the last episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S ..as they made their way out of their appartment for coffee... I found my self feeling sad that the show ended ...however .....Something came to me .....My own Quote
" All Good things dont come to an end ....all good things are Just the beginning" -Zena Yarde.
Well its true ...how can something be Really really Perfectly good if it actually ends.....Like is no more.
Good things are just the beginning on the way to better and Best ...with a few Bad holes in  between.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Birthday wishes to Dear Mama!

Its my Mommie's Bday today !!!! she has turned 49!!! my my do they grow up fast!!!
A caring understanding and Sacrificial woman !! Someone to who I owe myself to!
Sure everything is not hunky dory always ...We do have our moments where we shout out lungs out at each other.
We differ on a couple of things, especially our views on life.
I cant help but imagine a baby when I think of her sometimes!
For a personality like me my mom can get a little difficult to Love ......
But its a funny thing U know .....
Very funny .....
While travelling in the train the other day I was thinking of this....and I realised ..
That despite our differences despite our tempers ...
Despite the things I've said to her in the past .......
I do Love her........
It is funny..........
but I guess this is what Love really is ........

So Im thankful today for the birth of a person who I have Grown to Love .......
Without whom I would obviously not be writing this blog or even thinking this way.


Happy Birthday Marian a.k.a Bunda a.k.a Mom!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Now?

The Choice is already made ...We Just have to find out why ....
Ive being going through some personal Crap lately.....
Things that I thought were sorted out seem to be otherwise....
However its not that much ...
But it does bother me .....
The funny part is I know It will all go away ...
That ten years from now I will look back and wonder why did it really matter ...
Ten years from now I would have Different priorities..............
Ten years from now I will have Grown much more........
Ten years from now I would have more pressing and easily solvable issues....
However ......
The problem is ...
Right now Im Ten years behind Ten years......
And Right now SUCKS!......
Go up today with a horrible back ache ..It began yesterday and hasn't stopped.
I'm learning to appreciate the state of having a perfectly functioning "acheless" back!

Someone said it right when they said that we don't know what we have unless we lose it.

Well I am gonna learn to appreciate things before the disappear forever now.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

A Tribute ....

Three Days seems like a long Time, I think I am in Love with my blog.


We had a program in college from the 1st-3rd called ‘LIVE-IN’, now don’t go getting shocked or anything ...what can be scandalizing about a group of girls living in college and attending various personality and spiritual development sessions??? Well that’s what our Live in was about ...the term was coined long before Live -in relationships became rampant and the word assumed a different connotation.

The Program was pretty nice..we didn’t have the usual crowd coming for the Live-In ...there were a lot of freshers ....Girls Just out of school ....for whom maybe it was the first time away from their parents .........Boy were they Noisy!!!!!! I know I will sound like a grand mom n clich├ęd when I say this.....but boy were WE sober!!! It really tested my patience ...my irritation would increase along with their decibels....It was my test in self control and letting go, If I did give them a piece of my mind it would spoil the whole atmosphere of the place and I didn’t want that, and after all they were just kids ..They will Grow ....this thought (reinforced by friends too) is what made it all easier to bear. However I did kinda yell at them last night after repeatedly telling them to keep quite for not letting the others sleep ...they were still very noisy….they seemed to think they were the only people in the room!!

All of them weren’t like that ...some held their own and two seemed to be really beyond their years ...It was nice getting to know them.

I liked this live- in though, I got to know some new people and renewed and deepened old friendships.



On the 2nd of October was Gandhi Jayanti(the birth anniversary of Mahatma Gandhi) our coordinator Sister Patricia lovingly known as Sister Pat asked us to attend mass...she even asked her community to change the mass timings to 7:00am to suit our waking up time. The mass was a very nice experience, it was the first time I came a cross an authentic Indian mass, complete with chants, bhajans and Aarti. I felt very nice to see the way the sisters imbibed Indian culture ...They tend to blur the lines of religion; this is one characteristic of their congregation that I really like.

The introduction contained Quotes from the Mahatma and also reminded us that it was Lal Bahadur Shashtri's Bday too, so we prayed for the gift of both of them to us.


While having my evening Chai (tea) today, I put on the TV to see that ‘GANDHI’ the movie was going on. The moment I saw it on TV instantly my mind flew back to my Visit to Aga Khan Palace in Pune. This was the place where Gandhi was imprisoned by the British along with his Wife and Assistant both of whom died there.

For me it was hallowed ground.

We walked in silence talking it all in ..........I couldn’t believe I was walking on the same place this great man did.

As I watched the movie I was deeply touched by the principles this man stood for and stood by ...HE was true to what he believed in...Love Peace and Non-Violence…….. and he practiced what he preached.

I takes great self belief to stand for what he stood for.........

In a time where Indians were holding arms against the British for our freedom he had the courage to stand up and inspire a different way of revolt...

He decided to prick the British conscience............

He showed people how the fight fire with Soothing cool water of Love and peace …..

He stood up against injustice but in the process made sure that he didn’t imitate the ways of his oppressors.

In his own words "The only tyrant I (He) accept(ed) in this world is (was) the still voice within."

As the movie progressed to the conflicts between Gandhi and Jinnah and the problem of Violence between the Hindus and the Muslims.....I was getting more absorbed by this Man's personality as portrayed by Richard Attenborough with Ben Kingsley very beautifully playing the Role of Gandhi.

I felt like protecting him shielding his light from the harsh winds of the world that really didn’t seem to understand the profoundness of what he preached....................

It then Hit me how much I owe to this man who barely knew me ......Who fought for the rights of women like me.....who awoke the Spirit of revolution among the Indian people in such a potent way that the British with their brute strength and fire power could not Suppress......

Who set an example for the whole of India to follow.....



And I cried ….I don’t know why….. but... I cried......



I felt for this man, who without thinking twice put his life on line for me ....so that I can have my freedom of expression ....so that I can have my dignity so that I can be proud of who I am today.

I Salute him and I promise to make the most of this gift I have received from this man.....very few nations have such powerful and noble leaders................

I feel blessed to share my citizenship with him.



“Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time they may seem invincible, but in the end, they always fail. Think of it - always.”

-Gandhi



Jai Ho;)

Friday, September 25, 2009

A Religious?????

I will be Leaving for the discernment camp in a while, for those of you who don't know , a discernment camp is a camp where you spend time discerning about where you want to be in the future. I am catholic and our religion emphasises that you can find God through three ways of life,  married, single or a religious, the discernment camp is to see where you fit.

I am not gonna lie I think I do have "vocation", but I don't want to spend my life as a religious, the idea seems good at a time and not so good at another......the problem is Im not sure, so this camp will help me understand better where Im inclined to be. Right now though, I want to be neutral. I feel the problem for me is that Im not very sure of myself and also for some reason think I will displease the religious who I have close relations with if I say no to religious life.
Being a person belonging to a religious order means that ones life revolves around God ...well they are better able to connect with them selves and tap into their vast stores of potential and live a Full life..thats my God or the way I see it....
Its not a very bad life actually, cause religious have a support system which is stronger than our normal one which consist of family and friends. Their support system is their Community which consist of people like them devoted to helping others.....they dont have families to take care of and so they are free from domestic cares and worries. Their worries are not mundane stuff like "who left the sugar can in the hall??"..their stress and worries come from their relationships with others and themselves ..its a normal thing for religious as well as non religious alike...but the way they handle stress and their thought and belief systems are different..in a way they are more balanced as they dont deal with the stresses of everyday life .......

Which brings me to the point that damn hell lot of us would be well balanced if we didnt have to deal with everyday stressors....!!!!!

I see it like this.......The religious serve one specific religion and their activities and outreach is in the name of the specific religion ...not all of them can be called spiritual ....When you meet a person who has a deep connection with their spirit you just know ...however most of the religious devote time to still them selves and get in contact with their being .......that's why they are calm and sure of them selves cause they have this firm belief that not much can go wrong for them and even if their still waters are disturbed they make it a point to find the time to go within them selves and seek the cause of the disturbance and deal with it. They are in constant awareness of themselves and their surroundings ..they experience life fully.
Im not denying....... it is a nice life...I am very attracted by it.....the problem is that even though I'm a catholic ..(not a devout one at that )I want a more secular outlet............I do believe in Jesus Christ....but I also believe that we are our own Gods ...we all have the potential to live fully and shape our future......and by going into your self you find your power and the power of the universe surrounds you.

 I can compromise anything but I just cant compromise my beliefs. I do believe in a greater power ...
But its a fact that I can believe and the power manifest its self to me because I am here and alive andI can think and feel...which Brings me to one Question ....where would God be if we werent here???



The power is always there but we make it special.;)

Wish me luck and pray for me....that I may keep an open mind in whatever Im about to learn and do..and also that I camly make a decision.

She says no preassure but well the very line scares me!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I believe...

Still haven't got my thoughts clear I really want to get out of my state of confusion !!!!!!
I hope it happens Soon ..........
Recently when I was speaking with my mentor of sorts ..she gave me this very interesting meaning of evil .....She said that evil is .......Something that prevents you from living your highest life ....Something that prevents you from experiencing the world as a whole and something that creates fear and destroys the love in your life ..........
I listened awe struck whatever she said appealed to me.. u know......... very deeply....
I want to over come my fears I hope I can be true to myself and at peace with what I choose ........
I have one thing affirmed though ...
I do believe in a higher power that is around me and within me something that I cant comprehend ...........
I do believe that I'm born to inherit all the good in this world ..I know Ill grow towards it ....

This is what I have posted on my facebook profile and I mean every word of it!!
" Right now for me...life is about overcoming the fear to Live and Love..!"
I hope I am a master of this one day ...........

Monday, September 14, 2009

Random!

Not too much to write about lately .....have been getting to be a good student, being dozing less in class n sitting on the first bench !!!!OMG They have finally got me too .....But after the revelation That I actually have only one life I have decided to LIVE it!!!!
I have two hands ......Two legs ...Ten fingers,Ten toes Two perfect Eyes, ears and one Nose that unfortunately doesn't come with a built in filter for protection against nose hair burning "Aromas"...But Its the main Source of my life ...So since I'm living this Life might as well Live it ..........
Learning Abnormal Psychology has made me even more thankful for Normalcy .......Its a Gift .....
After telling My aunt Ive got the writers block I guess It shifted ......

I will be going for a discernment camp soon to see to what Life I'm inclined to ...Well I'm going there  with an open mind but well I'm not too sure U know...M no religious ............According to some of the religious that I know I should be heading towards hell cause I don't go for Sunday mass....Which makes me think ..................did my ancestors before Christianity go there too????
I love the ideology of my religion ...love the way it functions ..I wouldn't be me If it wasn't for the youth group n all, I have Grown tremendously..but I hate someone imposing  their beliefs on me it kinda suffocates me !!!!!People telling me how to sit how to behave how to laugh ( you musn't laugh Loudly what would people think ???) Bull Shit !!!
I'm not a standard make in the Factory of the universe!!!!
Im Zena
I laugh loudly ................sometimes stand like a boy
..........................don't mind eating straight out of the serving bowl, ................I say whats on my mind,
Smell my belly button....... who doesn't !!!!!
I would rather hire someone to take a bath for me......
Ride my bicycle to places far away .......alone..yeah in Mumbai ....
HAte lizards .....
Have a big problem with people who are rigid n Expect me to be too ....
Cant stand people who think they are factory made ....
Im saying this I guess cause of an encounter with a close friend of mine ...she is a good friend but has been brought up with real rigid values ....I wish she would lighten up U know ...easily offended ........I kinda get stressed being around her ...she is such a good friend...but when people suffocate me I tend to distance my self from them ..Ive told her this n she knows .....well I guess Its some of her Issues That She has to deal with first.....but we will make this friendship work ...it will take time ..but it will work eventually........
Well I am missing another friend too ...I distanced myself from him cause of the feelings that I was developing for him n I felt that I was expecting too much...I guess with some people Just friendship isn't enough ...........
well I gotta stop this trend of running away ...I find it okay running from suffocating people though....(for a while to regain Sanity )....but this running away from "feeling" Ive gotta stop and learn how to handle it ..But for now I would give it a rest cause of my studies ..
I need to remain focused ..I have many options for myself ... keep vacillating here n there so i have to reach a firm ground before taking a final Step....hopefully that would be soon ......

I haven't been to see my cat will go most probably on Tuesday ..poor guy will have to deal with the loss of half his front leg ...He will cope though .... Grumble and would want to be pampered but he will Cope .......
Mean while a dog here one that was abandoned next to my place developed a bad infection ... yeah my friends the maggots were here too N boy were they big ....We normally Call a NGO that Goes by the name Karuna that means Compassion or pity in Hindi ..they send a van to treat the dog .....Shedid her disappearing act both the times the van came .........after a short of motivational Scolding from my dad I decided to take matters in my own hands ...Called the doc n asked him what I could do ...he recommended some medicines that had to be put on the wound ...got help from a neighbour n did the needful ..It was not pleasant ..the poor thing was in so much pain ....she was trying to break free of the chain with which we tied her .......the van came the next day(thankfully my dad found her n tied her)  she got better treatment....but when I saw her he next day she had a lump formed on her chest ....I dont know what it is.. havent seen her after that...I hope she died if it was something serious ........It would be better for her ....
Boy did that dog teach me patience ............She kept trying to enter our home when she was first abandoned here .....She was hyper 24/7 like she was on drugs or something .....Kept Jumping on us whenever we went out ....Would mess our clothes..... she wanted attention ...so she would divert ours to her ............But she thought me loads of patience ....I kept reminding my self that it wasnt her fault she is just a puppy who wants to be loved and cared for ......its the people who gave her a home n then abandoned her,  who should be kicked So hard that their teeth break!!!!!!! I kinda Dont like people who abandon Dogs and Children and their parents now .....well they may have reasons But apart form the parents..(cause having parents is not what one can decide). ..they should take responsibility for their actions n make sure that the innocent are not affected !!
Well I hope this dog ...Bitch actually gets out of her misery or gets well soon ........Okay I have to get some Shut eye gotta be fresh for a long day in college tomorrow !!!!!!Ill leave you with a Quote from one of my favourite movies that depicts the triumph of the human spirit.

“It ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." -Rocky Balboa(Sylvester Stallone)
Cya later ....keep moving forward !!!!

Monday, September 7, 2009

The foolish maiden!!

She took the scissors and cut the threads, 
 They bled, 
Far away she heard the baby cry, 
Unfed unnourished it will surely die! 
 It hurt.... yeah It did.
 She ran and in the darkness hid..... 
Comfort Comfort Comfort
 Purposeful ignorance is Bliss. 

What are you scared of maiden ???? 

"Nakedness.....". 

The wound is deep but it will heal,
 The scar remains .... reminds her of the futility of it all .......... 




She looks upon her self .... 
"Pity... "
 "It will heal... "




but the scar remains .... 

  It tells her what she stood to gain.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

An important lesson !!

Six days long time ...well I have done a lot of stuff and so six days seems like eternity to me like the moment it seems like a good solid month u know ....well it was teachers day on the fifth of September ....I'm a part of a christian club in college and we have mass on every first Friday of the month ....and so this first Friday mass was dedicated to the teachers .....It was a lovely service ...the sermon was really great u know the priest was a Salesian ..who has worked in the missions in Africa .... he spoke about the qualities that a teacher should have ..and assigned a quality to every letter of the word TEACHER...he said that a teacher should be a coach and not a referee ....the main distinction being that a ref points out mistakes ...and a coach trains you to learn from them and avoid them ............he also quoted a line from the movie 'Lions for lambs' it was about a situation where the teacher is trying to get a extremely demotivated student to do something he is passionate about ..the student gets irritated and snaps back ate him saying that he is just a teacher he shouldn't be interfering in the matter ...however the teachers says that he is a sales man ....so the student snaps back n says so the what do u sell ....and then the teacher says the most profound thing ....he says ......."I sell you to yourself"....my eyes welled up when I heard this It was meant for me Very recently one of my class teachers who is also a good friend called me and questioned me bout my test scores ...she asked me ....whether I was doing my studies according to my full potential ??? I said no ...it was the truth ..I know I can do better but had no motivation to do so ...I don't know where I slipped .....Studies really didn't seem important any more I talked my self into accepting low test scores ....not really doing my 100% since 40-50% got me the required marks .... Well at first I was hurt and angry at the fact that my professor called me and gave me a earful about my marks and my lack of motivation in my studies .....I was almost in tears ...almost... But the next day Listening to the sermon during mass made me realise how lucky I am to have a professor like her teaching me ..who is genuinely concerned bout my academic performance.......... I know why I was lethargic and all ......I in some way rationalised....I don't know how ...(maybe to rationalise my laziness )........that we are all going to die some day and well we need to give importance to our immediate pleasures cause who knows if we would see the light of the next day.... ..this made me very impulsive in the studying department ...I have taken everything very lightly ...cause I know nothing very bad can happen ..or even if it does I would make it not feel that bad to me ......and so well I can say I was kinda wallowing in mediocrity ..It may not seem like that to the outside world but to me.. well....... I feel that way ........ Teh next day while having breakfast I was thinking of the previous day ...I thought aloud ...why struggle so hard if your going to die in the end ?????? And then like an answer to my Question there came another question "Why do I have to stop living even If I know I'm going to die one day??" and then It all became clear to me ....... Thinking that it would all be a waste I was wasting my self ....n now living the life to the fullest cause well its only this one life I have, makes sense ...........why should I let my self get wasted waste all my possibilities all the opportunities for the fear that it would all be useless when I would die ????Shouldn't that give me more incentive to live ????hell yeah!!!!!!!!!!! Its so simple now .....Its only one life make it large experience it fully !!!I know this is a very obvious view ...but the way it hit me!!!! It will stay now .....I will remember why I want to be what I want to be and why I don't want to settle for less ..............I am very pleased that I had this experience cause its not to late for me to change ...........And change I will ..I will do my best or at least try .....in what ever I do .......Ive got this new ideology and will stick by it ...if today was my last day would I be happy living the way I am living now ????I will be changing that answer to a yes ..... ........And no the sun isnt shinning out of every nook and cranny of my being but trust me Im getting there!!!!!....

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Cinderella

Watched it with my Niece.Really like the way they have made her character her movements her voice the way she speaks ..........Its a WoW for me ...I also realised one thing ..Cinderella wouldnt have been Cinderella if she didnt go through what she went through.....her pureness her innocence captured me .She was a dreamer .......Who believed ........had faith ..inspite of what she went through .... HAVE FAITH IN YOUR DREAMS, KEEP BELIEVING , CAUSE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOUR HEART IS GRIEVING... THE DREAMS THAT YOU WISH WILL COME TRUE. Cinderella's Song .....or something like it ......To An Awesome cartoon ....Who reminds us ......to keep the faith ....cause ... "There can be miracles when you believe." Cya !

Thursday, August 27, 2009

FEELINGS .......

I don't Like them !!!! At all !!!!they are the most irrational part of me and dominate my life ....I can see Reason but I still cant help how I feel!!!!! Why oh Why DO we Feel ????? Especially the feeling of Love !!! more specifically Teenage Love !!!!!!!I never thought Id say this ...But for the want Of a better name !!!!!!! Its the most annoying thing ever ...I know I have to face it but life would e better without a part of U feeling that u don't want to feel this way towards some person ...... But U still do!!!!!! Well I cant blame feelings ..they tell us who we are and are the primitive part of our selves !!!! But what do u do when u feel something u don't want to feel ...?? Well you suck it up and realise .....feelings are irrational and primitive and Most of the time u are defined not by what u feel ...(cause obviously people don't see what you feel unless you tell them or let it show ) But by how you react to the feeling ............. Well for me when I feel I do have a tendency to feel deeply ...very deeply ....I don't know why it has to be that way but like it or not it is and its pissing off!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I wish I could wrap these feelings and throw them in some river and let them float away ........but unfortunately that's not a luxury any of us can afford ...cause even if we suppress what we feel it tends to manifest it self in unconcious ....n also physically!! ....some one told me that u get ulcers if u don't "let it out"!!!! LET IT OUT !!!!! and face the consequences! ....which may result in .........
  1. Good feelings or.....
  2. Further shit that you have to deal with !!!!!!

Well We do feel things for a reason ....but come on!! attraction to some one you are better off not attracted to ........Don't u think that I should have a Say in it!!!!!! Some part of it??????

Goodness !!!! Goodness !!I was the one laughing at such people!!!!! and then reality takes a U turn and hits me head on and leaves me there ....to realise that I'm human ....To realise that I cant run for ever !!!!!

..To realise that Ive gotta deal with it and Learn! ....well learning is the only thing that makes it going through this teenage turmoil worthwhile....... N heck why did it choose to happen so late !!!!...Isn't it supposed to be a mile stone or something ??????????I'm almost twenty for crying out loud !!!Shouldn't I be able to deal with this ????? Does this recurring turmoil ever end ???

And the answer is there just hanging there like a sword above my head ..........

They never go ..these feelings ......They are always there !!! We just learn to deal with them .....

Maybe some time in later life when we are much older and have been there and done that we will look back and realise what a Lesson....one feeling whether LOve, anger, jealousy or sadness brought us...

Or it can so happen that sometime later in life when we are much older and have been there and done that ...that one of these feelings will return with greater intensity !!!laughing and mocking you in the face reminding you of a time long forgotten or locked away ...and telling you ......Living life includes feeling it ....

We were reminiscing on the behavior of one of my friends who was suffering from a bad break up ....she used to listen..........to sad songs that would really put you into more depression .........I didn't like that fact ...cause instead of coming out of depression listening to such music makes u go deeper into it .......we were talking about this recently........

And she told me that she doesn't regret it ....she said she had to go completely into this feeling of rejection to come out of it ....I nodded ....I couldn't help but say ...True ..

I look at her now ....wiser ..more mature .....dealing with her feelings ....and wonder ..would she be that way had she not gone through such a heart break????

The answer is a plain and simple NO ........we learn through experience..if not the heart break ..It would have taken something of the same magnitude to inspire Growth and learning ....the child will learn how to handle fire once he realises that fire has the potential to burn ..... .....

So well I guess Its a privilege To feel like shit then ....cause u Grow ....and you learn.

And well ...we need something to rock our boats and get our pulse racing from time to time ...otherwise whats the fun ????

A little turbulence can make a other wise boring plane journey slightly more eventful...a lot of it will shake you up!! ..however it will leave you with new found appreciation for a smooth ride ...till u get bored again and wish for turbulence .......

I don't know what I was complaining about ...going through this seems like the most natural thing to happen now..........whats the fun other wise without battling feelings of attraction, Jealousy, sadness, rejection.......whats the fun without a little turbulence ??????

Well as my brother once very very wisely said - "Life is a bed of roses ..the thorns are just complimentary" ....

I say! Aye !

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Mrs Clumsy's best !!!

I did the stupidest thing today!! .....Goodness!!! I feel like slapping my self across my face so hard!!!!!!!!!!

I missed the first lecture again ......However I was perfectly awake for both the economics lectures!! yeah WOW!!!!!!

Today after my long stint away from college ...responsibility approached me in the form of sister Rosa Asking about the mass preparations well Ill handle that in a Jiffy no problem ...what I cant handle is the Choir ....I know every thing will go Smoothly in the end ..but whose going to say that to dear panicky sister ...

We Scheduled practice at 3:00pm today, however Allanha, the girl in charge of the choir Wasn't able to make it ..I told her it was okay we could schedule the practice tomorrow......when I went to eat in the canteen I met two first years who were waiting for the practice ...These guys r science students n it broke my heart when I heard that they were waiting since 12.20..It was around 2.00 the prac was to start at 3 since most of the girls were from Arts ....... these two girls from science even cancelled their tuition's to come for the practice!!! Damn I felt super Bad !!!

Then I forgot to tell my friend Sharon who comes all the way from Mira Road that the practice is cancelled ...She stayed in college for two hours .....then messaged me accusing me of lying to her :(

Then tomorrow is our long over due Economics internal assesment for which I went to photocopy some stuff in the 15 minutes break that I had ....I missed the first part of one of the answers...So Later in psychology class, as I had to leave the class early for a meeting with the principal ....don't worry I'm Not in trouble..Just stuff for K-scope our college festival...(all of us in our team that takes care of security were wondering why we were called..) ..yeah As I had to leave early I asked one of my friends to do it for me and leave it with the Xerox guy ...

I had some work with Sister Rosa N so I hurried with that and I forgot to collect the papers .....

This is the best part right here I'm so amazed any one can be so stupid !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had the earlier copies that I had taken ...when I ask my friend to copy the remaining part that I missed .... for Some reason I Imagined me giving her the copies that I had, to attach it to the new one ....once I reached the station I remembered that I forgot to get the (new)copies....What I didn't remember is that I IMAGINED giving her the rest of the copies and so I gave up hope of ever giving the test ....when I came home n whiled away some of my time did I realise that I have the earlier copies n I can study a substantial amount !!!!!!!

N now here I am writing about It instead of studying ....I guess I had my Clumsy attack today !!!!!

Please if u see someone as clumsy ...tell him or her to contact me ....

Misery Loves company U c......

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A funeral ...n then some .......

I went for my neighbour's funeral today ...The family Lost an Elderly member to Cancer...the family is an East Indian one and is well respected the Son and daughter in law of "Mama"( as she was commonly known by everyone ) are very very nice people especially the daughter in law ....I was real impressed by them they had such genuine concern and love for their Mama!Its was touching ..... I normally tend to avoid funerals.......emotions unknown well up inside me ..emotions have have got nothing to do with the deceased .......but the decease's family......... Looking at their contorted faces I can understand how they must feel .....having lost someone so dear to them .....I know how I would feel ..u know...N thinking about this makes me sad ..... Yeah funerals are sad you say ..... Sad for us right but not really sad for the deceased .....they have no worries once they are gone ...for all we know ..they may never want to come back into human life from the Source.. We cry for our selves at funerals ....cry cause we will be missing the person....... cry maybe cause we remember our own pain............... cry cause others r crying and we don't know what to do!!!(hey that happens too u know)......... But we cry for ourselves ...the person dead doesn't need our tears ...they must be busy rejoicing ..as the final barrier and the final fear i.e Death is met and they have triumphed !!!!!!!!! Death is not that bad for the dead u know ...its the living who suffer ..that's why we cry for our selves ........ Saying this wont stop me from crying for the deaths of my loved ones u know ..........I know how I would feel.....well I would be crying for my self ......yeah cause loosing some one does suck ...big time!!!! But then Change is good too ......... I remember when I lost Tito ..the sister of Cash, my present dog ....she got distemper ..there was not much I could do for her ....as she was not really a pet house dog ....I wasn't able to ask my dad to take her to our vet ...I didn't think he would..........well she got worse and finally when the van for the help of stray dogs arrived...She "Disappeared" or so my family tells me (I was out )...I wonder if it was the truth .........It was hard to digest though ..very hard ..I dont think I cried immediately ..I knew that my mom would get disturbed.....but when I was alone the memories would Just over whelm me ..............she was a funny dog and used to never fail to make me laugh... NEvEr !!! I loved her very much!! Whenever I used to think Of her I used to smile to my self and along with that ...the tears would flow as I would allow myself to grieve my loss ....I felt it deeply .........I dont know how many of you'll would understand this .....some may say that she was Just a dog ...bitch...... But I remembered her though, today, at the funeral.....her memory though faded slightly .....Im surprised to say still made me feel pleasant ....n more than that brought tears to my eyes ........shes gone a long time now and I am surprised at the tears flowing now ........to me logically, I'm over It ...but as I have discovered ...for the 100th time ..........feelings are feelings and they defy logic ! Im glad that she makes me cry I know I can feel........ Im human... I learnt something from Tito ..... I would want people to remember me the way I remember her ................ With a Smile on my face And a tear in my eye .......and the thoughts....... "Im so Glad that I knew her, So glad, that even if it was for a little while, She lived..................................................... ..She made me happy" .

The rains, My Job and then some !!

WOW Today was slightly eventful........For me it was.... Got up to Vakil's call today asking me whether I was going to college ...since I haven't graced that place enough with my presence thought Id do some gracing to day ..something to add to the list of my good deeds. So with much effort I pulled my droopy frame uo from bed n went to the wash basin to brush my teeth ..N wit the brush in my mouth...I customarily went to warm the milk on the stove ....however today the hall smelt funny ....I was dark n couldn't see ...N knowing what this funny smell indicates I thought Id take sone precautions .......and right I was ...ay annoying pet dog Cash decided to do his weekly quota of house pooping today the annoying mongrel !!!!I don't care if I hurt his feelings ....how would u feel if u had to clean poop n piss right early in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YUCCK!!!I dnt know what the hell do we take him out for at night !!!!!! U would have thought that since he learnt the art of chasing ppl from pity (my bitch), he would also make it a point to learn her good house habits ...But NO!!!!! he doesn't !!! Goodness if only he was human ...he must not even know what he must be putting us through with such behavior ..he must smell nice to him self so maybe he thinks he is doing us some sort of favor!!!Ne ways he is a good dog ...only does stupid things at times !!!He is very weird I just cant think of him as non Human u know ..he has facial expressions n he reacts to what we say ...I like having him around he is extremely loving !!!

Now back to my day....after some poop cleaning ..I started to get dressed for college I called up Karen to check if she had left ..she didn't leave cause of the rains ..It poured like cats n dogs today!!

We did leave for college today but once we reached Grant Road Station we saw some of our college girls on the opposite platform telling Us to go back since the roads were water logged !!!!!!

I was in no mood of going back home !!!

Hey after all I did take the trouble to get up to do something, that If given a chance I would pass doing !!!

Might as well do the thing That I don't like (for the Fear of black list and our Dean , who by the way can be very annoying and even passively aggressive at times ..but that's her Job pooor thing ........I can now sympathise with her as I once had a dream that I was in the same position ... even in my dream the Job sucked ....if she likes it ....welllllll....good for her ....I would hate such a job that involves hard enforcement of authority for not very reasonable reasons ....nooo not a job for me .....)

While going to college today I was having a conversation with Karen, I recently was checking some sites concerning event management ....I am nineteen with no Job experience , Laziness as a trait and right now undergoing various mood swings cause of reasons that I have realised that I have no control over !!!! Next year my parents will be expecting me to work !!!!! N I Miss Zena Yarde .....to be double major in economics and psychology .....jumper from science to arts ...big talker about my philosophies of life .....dont know what I want to do!!!!!!!!!Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh

I have come out with a list of options ...Some contradict the others but they are a start ....

  1. Listen to Sister Manisha and explore my vocation ....in other words become a nun (I defiantly am considering this.
  2. Charm a great guy ...making sure that he is rich too(this is desirable too)!
  3. Live with parents obey house rules and work part time in some call centre :((
  4. Pray that I get a lottery!!!
  5. Go on "Sach ka Samna" (The Indian version of "the moment of truth" )..embarrass my self but earn money.
  6. Beg .
  7. Or let go of all wordily possessions Shave my head off donate hair to a needy friend;) [Aaron if Ur reading this I'm writing u up in my will k (A big HA HA)] and travel the world with no money ..and trying to manage .
  8. ACT.....this is one thing that makes me feel alive very alive !!!!!!I love Acting!!!
  9. DRAWING PAINTING AND POTTERY!!!!this is something I wouldn't mid too!!!
  10. Event management !!!!! Frankly very skeptical ..cause I dont know much bout It ...I really dont want to end up doing something That I dont want to again ...yeah sometimes we gotta, but who ever said that!!!! Aren't u supposed to be joyous with what u do ???like arent you supposed to actually LIKE ur Job !!!!!!!

Out of my list of options ...options 1,4,5,7,8&9 are the most tempting!!!!I'm still contemplating event management ..but it doesn't feel that right ....Maybe cause I dont really know much about it u know......

I am actually looking for a safe option ..I dont want to regret this ...I dont even know if that is really possible now !!

When I told Karen that acting made me feel most alive ..she said the most simplest but most profound thing .......

She asked me "So if U know what makes you happy whats stopping you from doing it ??"..........................

................I tried to give excuses ..right from disapproving parents .......to "u dont earn that well at first" ......to hard ships, to "Im not even sure Id get where Id want to be !!!".....But these are what they are... EXCUSES ...............Nothing but my self is stopping me from doing what I want to do ....My fears, my anxiety and my negitivity are to blame .....and I realise that now ......

I dont want to be a wanderer ...Money isn't that important for me ...being happy and being successful is ...

10yrs from now I want to be living in my own home (a five bedroom hall kitchen) ...I want to be able to buy a new home for my MOm n Dad .......drive around in a hybrid car that doesnt pollute the environment !!!! be able to fund animal shelters ........

Yeah U need Money baby !!!!!!! bllurrh!!!

I dont know why I cant see my self working? ...maybe Im imagining It all wrong, I guess I have to" work " to actually understand what its all about !!!!!( WOAH This such a DUH!! thing!!! so dum dum dum obviously Ill know what working life will be once I start working!!!!!DUH !!!DUH!!! DUH !!!!!!!!!!!!)

See!! this is me worrying too much !!!!!! I guess right now there is nothing much to worry about accept college ! N the Dean, n Passing in my subjects .......I promised my aunt That I'd do well.....I will try and keep up to the promise.....

U Know ..I started the blog to tell u how after so many days ..I finally made it to Grant Road station n I had to take a U turn and come back home cause it rained heavily today!!!!!Somebody up there must really not want me to go to college ....N look where I reached!!

.....Oh welll ..Im not complaining ..

I will be going to college tomorrow and Like a good student Im going to conform..I will again try and stay awake for economics ..I will do the work sister Rosa gives me and I will study .....blah!!!!!!!!! Yeah I will study:(.....

Why oh why is the world so cruel!!!!!!

Well As I deal with my issues here ......I will be leaving you with a thought

Once when I was contemplating my shift from science to arts ...Sister Manisha was telling me that I would know the right decision if it gave me peace deep within .......it did ..I think ....so does the thought of acting ...its not a chore for me ........

She used this phrase ...Ill Put it in my own words

IF U ARE IN LINE WITH WHAT GOD WANTS YOU TO DO ......ITS LIKE A CUP AND SAUCER ...U WONT HAVE TO STRUGGLE ....THE CUP WILL FIT INTO THE RING OF THE SAUCER N U WOULD NOT HAVE TO USE ANY FORCE .....IT WILL JUST FIT ....

I was thinking about this as I was travelling back home ...wondering what is going to just fit ..........

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Mrs Universe ?????

I am very proud to inform to whom so ever concerned .. That I did Attend college today!!!YAY!!!! We had Just two Economic lectures (a very good reason for me not to go)today ...I dozed in only one ..n even that was towards the end, when the teacher started using a language that didn't sound like English to me. My class Mates get to me though haven't they ever dozed for anything in their lives ????some of them look at me like I was from some other planet (Cant blame them though ..what I write in my semi sleep mode makes me think the same !!!!!!). My alarm tone was set to the song from Harry n the Potters called follow the spiders ..it has a Catchy tune but neone who has read Harry Potter would roll with laughter at the song its God damn hilarious !!!!!!!!!!!instead of waking up I was singing along to the song in my head not realising that its my alarm tune ...I was just thankful for hearing this melody in the morning .....thankfully I had a late lecture today or else I wouldn't have started on such a happy note .. Now I was going to write bout ..the Miss Universe Pageant that was being advertised on TV, I was going to tell you'll how I found it all Shallow and meaning less, and how we, instead of moving ahead n looking beyond Beauty ..(u think if "mediocre" was thought "beautiful" what would have happened ???we would have loads of happy people here ...)we are regressing by allowing "them" to make a big thing bout women parading them selves around in their bikinis allowing them selves to be graded for it .....But then I thought.... Hey thats their business!! Not mine at all ....its no big deal, this thing happens only once a year .. yeah we mindlessly watch it ...a take it in n make our own judgements bout who looks best ...at the same time despising others who would judge us the same way....its true dont deny it !!! So beauty pageants I have nothing against you any more ...i realise that u have ur own right .......although I would prefers some change or someone coming up with something different ..... True beauty can never be flaunted ....she lies there un assuming, unaware of who she is what she means, what she has done and what she can do ... I can name some of these beauties in my life ...My grand mom for example .....she is my role model ! hell I dont even think I deserve her as a grand mom sometimes u know. She is one of the most amazing women I have ever met and im proud to be related to her !!! Her life was never a bed of roses ...She is the second of the five siblings..N being born as a girl in that time In India really was a sentence ...she was made to take care of her siblings, she sent them to school, looked after them , she was their pseudo mom ..her dad worked on the ship n well was not sober most of the time..they went through a lot when they were kids ....She was the one who took the initiative of coming to Bombay to earn a better living ..She was the one who made it a point to send my mom n her siblings to school....She was the one taking care of her mom- my great grand mom- in her old age, when she had every reason to be bitter n not to ...she is also the one who has been to Dubai, Canada n the US more than couple of times ..she is the one who despite her arthritis makes it a point to take us around in Goa ...does her own shopping..be it bombay or Goa ..N doesn't complain ... I just cant... just cant express what my Grand mom means to me ..nothing I have written does justice to this woman ......her sacrifices, her struggles, her ability to pull through.. n make it look like the easiest thing in the world to do ...her amazing ability to forgive ppl who have caused her soooo much.. soo much of pain ...heck I still cant find It in my heart to forgive them sometimes.. I'm sad u know, all u guys reading this, Wish ul could know her as I do..this is one woman u have to experience ....I cant tell you how she is ....She is truly an example of the Phrase "When Life gives you a lemon ...take it and make a lemonade"! I don't know how she got to be such a personality u know ..she is more in tune with the times, more open minded than some of her own kids ...She is damn cool the way she accepts the "new age" and doesn't fight it ...she changes with changing times .....she is somebody I'd like to be ..yeah she is my role model ! I still haven't done her justice what ever I have written is so mediocre compared to the awesomeness of her personality .....I am but human ...Sometimes I wonder if my grand mom is ...I don't think she is ........ she is super human ..yeah ... Well (drum roll please )the Miss Universe crown goes to none other than Janet D'cruz !!!!!!!!! Take a bow NANA U deserve it !

Friday, August 21, 2009

An Eventful Day for Mr Pussy!!!!

When I opened y eyes this morning Judging by the day light I realised ...that it was far from 5:00am ...checked my alarm N right I was ...it was 8:15 ...college begins at 8:00am ...I was late today ..too ....so well I made the most of It.. I slept in ...got extremely weird dreams that I don't remember ..I do remember that they were completely random ...I have to check what I think about before I sleep...... Iwas then woken up again to the strains of "Do u have to be woken up everyday now!!!!" the rough Vocals were provided by none other than my dad. As I groggily woke up from my slumber ..he informed the cat was back n the wound on his "hand" (front right paw actually ...but we sometimes forget that they aren't human) was a little better ...in the sense that it was no longer swollen ..but his paw looked like ....m sure a slightly more horrific version of Dumbledore's cursed hand ...from Harry Potter n The Half Blood Prince . Well his paw was swollen lately with exposed flesh ...caused by none other than my personal age old enemies "the maggots" (yeah they have gotten many of the dogs in this area .. n no offence to the maggots cause they were obviously made that way (if some body called God can detect the sarcasm...)but the idea of something eating ur flesh while ur still alive is horrendous n extremely disgusting !!!!!!!)well coming back to Mr Pussy Cat (yeah we didn't name him ....don't ask why it will lead to further divergence from the present topic ..like now for example) coming back .....his paw was swollen n I detected some of my horrible friends in there chomping away ..or melting the flesh to size able proportions ..whatever they do ....I applied what I normally apply n something that has proved to be very effective ....TURMERIC powder aka Haldi in Hindi..now this is an age old remedy for maggots ..they just cant stand the awesome spicy power of turmeric ......so I applied this for three days ..... the wound seemed to be healing ....however the day before yesterday when I saw the leg ...the infection seemed to have increased ..however when I saw the poor fellow biting his own flesh in frustration I realised the cause ....well on that very day my Dada told me that we should take him to the Ahimsa{..means non violence in Hindi) shelter close by since the wound seemed to be more than a mere infection ....I agreed ..N the next day we see ...NO CAT:( he didn't comeback home ..I went out looking for him ..(calling never works in this guys case) ...but couldn't find him ....welll he wasnt a very nice cat u know he kept stealing our food n messing our clothes n his poop st inked ...I had to clean some the other day *( I guess he left it as punishment for not letting him in cause of the smell of his paw ...BUt hey not letting him was my mom's idea...n she was oblivious o the horrendous stench he left near the bathroom )..However I realised that I missed him n That I was actually concerned for his well being ....I was kinda sad bout it u know .. I surprised my self by that ...well I prayed that by some miracle someone somewhere would have taken care of him ...we have loads of good ppl here (I was thinking bout my next door neighbours while saying that ..they love animals more than me...Just imagine if they were my mom's kids ...he he he he he )...but today dad along with bickering about how I sleep till late (hey 10.00am is still morning !!!!!!!!)told me that the cat was back n we would be taking him to the shelter ..I was happy got up got ready ...n all ..may dad gave him milk n fish so that he would stay put ...the task was...how the hell do we take him ..we didn't have a carrier for him as we don't normally take him to a vet ..he is very fortunate in that sense ..so my dad took out an old carry bad ...which the cat jumped out of ...well we needed to think of something more practical ...so Dada (upon my suggestion brought out an old kit bag ...a one with a zipper ) Mr Pussy cat was put in it with his Head sticking out so that he doesn't cause Ne damage to him self .....N the smell was contained inside .....
After a long wait n the pussycat getting more restless by the minute we got a rick ...n off we were ....he gave up struggling half the way n resigned him self to sitting completely inside the bag {..looked to me that he thought ..he was getting the long overdue visit to the market that he so dreaded ...(getting ur food on the platter beats scavenging for it neday ....)}Well as we reached the shelter ..he got restless again ...thank god his head wasn't out side the bag ...I don't know what he would have done if he had seen that pretty cat with the amputated leg bounding up to us to say hi!!The Doctor took one look at him n told us it was gangrene ......n they might have to amputate his leg to stop it from spreading ...mY stomach knotted at size he indicated ....Poor Mr Cat I'm feeling bad as I Write this ... we left him there they will take care of him ..they take care of strays ...our cat isn't completely a stray ...but they will provide him the best care .....We can visit him between 4-6 pm . Well I have to admit it wasn't that easy letting him go there .........but it had to be done....I Know he will be okay whatever happens ..he is Just blessed ......yeah he is .......a Blessed Arse of a CAT!!!! he will be alright ... paw or no paw he will get back to his original Job of stealing our fish when he gets back .........
"Smelly cat Smelly cat what are they feeding you ??
Smelly cat Smelly Cat its not ur fault!!!!!"
Adios ..I will try to get up in time for college tomorrow .......But till then PLs pray for my Cat ....actually pls pray for animals all over the world ..n do ur part in being kind to them ...Just because they cant talk, walk n think rationally doesn't make them lesser Humans u c ..
Well Good bye n god bless cya next time !!!!!muahh!!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Well I didnt go to college today ...stayed in..the swine flu week off just isnt enough ..n like Karen Said .......U only know how much u miss something when its not There ...well we didnt miss college ....It shows how much we like going there ....well dont get me wrong ..I love my college Sophia's has Taught me tonnes.. However ...It gets to be a drag going there every day when ur not having that much fun ...I know I know ..Life isnt all fun and Games ...But what wrong in liking what ur doing ...I Just dont have that much fun In college ..I love the psychology Lectures though especially Abnormal psychology ...we have a great professor Who Im Sure Can even make the theory of relativity interesting n easy to understand ....she is Just great .... a little intimidating though ....my hand Shivers if I have to answer her in Class ...She is the vice Principal after all its not my fault if I am afraid ..(In my defence its a conditioned response)..well I dont know why the hell I took economics ..I just cant figure why a person As normal n as happy as me would want to inflict self torture ...See I dont want to be mean toward the die hard economics fans...heck I dont Understand why some ppl dont like Harry potter I cant believe It sometimes ..........However there is no denying ..that however much I Wanna Stay awake during the Lecture I end up dozing no Actually Sleeping ....Its not my fault if my body decides ..despite mt best efforts ..to switch off at the time of the economics Lecture ....I try but to no avail I dont even know When My eyes shut ...only when I fream of something n then I think .."hey thats not right this shouldnt be here " ..only then I realise that ..Im not awake:(.......the economics professors are such darlings though they Just stare at me ....dont know wheat her there is sympathy there ...I think that too much to ask for though ....welllllllll..I find it funny dozing in class ...too bad we have only economics lectures because of the teachers strike all the more reason to miss college ..welll ...
Today however I did something very productive ...Karen N i got together to bake CAkes ...yeah CHOCOLATE cakes !!!!!!!!!! We did this once before for parents day where I stayed over at her place ...N got a scolding from my MOm!!what could I do ?? we had three cakes to bake n the Icing n all ...We had so much fun that night .....slept with our stomachs full of icing, batter n chocolate !!!!!!!

Well today we baked cakes for no occasion at all ...it was the same chocolate cakes that we decided to bake ...actually it was Karen's Idea n I played along ......Its nice baking with Karen u know, we talk a lot ..we joke a lot and we like each others company ....we didnt get to this stage very easily u know ....but we do more than just baking cakes ..its like bonding for us .....we bitch bout our parents ..discuss what we r going to do further on in life ...n well for us ...Still ...the Hot topic here is GUYs ...yeah ..love them or hate them u cant ignore them!!!!!its sad really both of us are almost in the same situation ...i.e we r the confidants n shoulders to cry on ..of the hunks we like..N i guess they Just dont get it !!!!!!!!which is very frustrating ..well even more frustrating for me especially is the fact that I have no control over my feelings at all when it comes to this ...I dont want to have these feelings however they r still there n for some one I would be great friends with otherwise ...well its a sucky life ......but Kaz n I have decided That we would take the reins in our own hands ...our unsuspecting romeos dont even know they have them u know ..I swore to do this before ...but reality hit me across the face after a while .....oh welll lets see what happens ....for those of u who r wondering why doesnt this girl collect her with n go n tell this guy n get it over with ...well

  1. Im Chicken ....(Im almost 20 n havent dated yet well for one I dont fall for every second guy ..this happens only once in a blue moon ...but I fall hard).
  2. I have a great friend in him ..don really wanna lose that.
  3. Im Chicken (rather let fear win :(..)

Well we'll c how it goes ...

coming back to our cake

The last time we baked we forgot to put in the required quantity of milk in ...so KAren madam Ji puts in extra in one of the containers ....N guess what ???it turned out Just right !! the sponge in the other two with the lesser milk developed cracks:(... well never fear when ZENA's here !!! SUggested that we'd make rum balls with the tops that cracked

n we did

They r called Kaz' s n Zena's Super Rummy ballz!!!!!Well well will be giving our Special friend in college these to taste ....welll they turned out good ..n the extra kick made me happy ...happy happy happy!!!!!LOL

I have temporarily forgotten bout the teenage woes that I spoke bout ....well I think enough for today ...will write in more tomorrow now .... However I will leave u with a Passage from the bible that was chosen for reading at the community meeting today its from Mt 22:1-14 its bout a king keeping a feast ...n few ppl come for it ..(well im no gonna elaborate google the reading ) Ill just tell u what it meant to me ....welll the feast stands for all that is there out there for us all that we can achieve ..the king for me stands for the entity I choose to call God ...who invites us to participate fully in life ..i.e. doing all that we can do n achieving whatever we want ..the ppl who dont come for the feast are those who for some reason or the other choose to be complacent let life happen instead of making it happen ...n well in the parable its said taht they die ..the king orders them to be killed ..well to me if u do not do what u wanna do if ur not happy u will die inside ....

I interpreted the Reading this way ..well I liked my interpretation u know ...beats the "sin" versions that others gave .....I dont even know whether we r capable of sinning ...with God in us ?????oh well some may beg to differ ne ways I need shut eye to go to college tomorrow so i will cya later Cya .....

Greatest love is self Love ...it pours out to others ....osmosis:)

Just a start ...

Wow Finally I have my own Blog ....well seeing that I have no propaganda in mind ....I might as well make my self my own propaganda....love Writing ...especially bout my self ... n my life .. it seems more Interesting that way u know ....NE ways m new to blogging so will take things slow ....just leave a little of my self here for to days quota....this is from my face book profile ....YEah bout my self .....true very true .. There R many things bout Me..... things That I don’t Know n things that others do ...I tend to Find myself Amazing at times .......I love this world that I'm living in ...I'm fairly blessed .....Nothing Worst than...the occasional heart break has ever happened to me ....I have a good life n I owe that to my Parents ....I love socializing n getting to know people ..They always surprise me ...I’m deeply spiritual...n Love questioning n discovering various aspects of this religion called Christianity That I follow ...I’m a very good public speaker ....I have a way with words n know how to get myself out of trouble ....I Like being alone most of the times ..but don’t often have that privilege ...I believe in love n believe that that’s the only thing sustaining us today ....I can imagine a world full of it n It looks Good ...I have loads of potential n can achieve what I set my mind to...but unfortunately ......I have a hard time getting over my laziness n often m not pleased with some of the work I do ...however what I find less others seem to like so... well...l it works in my favor ....but It makes me think of what the outcome would be if I would have really done my best ....I also know That I’m improving each day n I really am what I would like myself to be .....I believe in God n believe that god is the whole Universe ...although I may get side tracked I always find my peace when I come to the source of It... ME......Oh yeah I’m very emotional at times ...I find it difficult to cry ...but Animal Planet... Star movies...HBO....CNN ...Oprah n Harry Potter have a way of making me do so.....Well I’m learning to stand up for myself n express my opinion regardless of the consequences ...Used to be a people pleas er but that is changing now .....I believe in Idealism...I know I know that an ideal world is a myth But if we tend to be realist all the time we also tend to get complacent n stop trying to be our best ...N Realizing our potential is something all of us are called to do......we need to think ideally n be realistic that’s what will get us somewhere .......Wow I can write when I want to!! ......The good, bad n ugly I know it all!!!!.....HEhehehe Thank you!!!!Disclaimer: Also want to say that some things bout me r subject to change according to what I learn....So don’t hold me up for what I write here k…or Ill bite Ur head off!! I'm no Super woman ....I see the world through rose tinted Glasses most of the time .........cause really how bad can bad be ...I don't think that there is Ne thing that well cant be sorted out u know ..yeah I do tend to make a mountain of a mole hill but everything turns out good for me.. .in the end .....Even the things hat I regret doing .....