A Religious?????

I will be Leaving for the discernment camp in a while, for those of you who don't know , a discernment camp is a camp where you spend time discerning about where you want to be in the future. I am catholic and our religion emphasises that you can find God through three ways of life,  married, single or a religious, the discernment camp is to see where you fit.

I am not gonna lie I think I do have "vocation", but I don't want to spend my life as a religious, the idea seems good at a time and not so good at another......the problem is Im not sure, so this camp will help me understand better where Im inclined to be. Right now though, I want to be neutral. I feel the problem for me is that Im not very sure of myself and also for some reason think I will displease the religious who I have close relations with if I say no to religious life.
Being a person belonging to a religious order means that ones life revolves around God ...well they are better able to connect with them selves and tap into their vast stores of potential and live a Full life..thats my God or the way I see it....
Its not a very bad life actually, cause religious have a support system which is stronger than our normal one which consist of family and friends. Their support system is their Community which consist of people like them devoted to helping others.....they dont have families to take care of and so they are free from domestic cares and worries. Their worries are not mundane stuff like "who left the sugar can in the hall??"..their stress and worries come from their relationships with others and themselves ..its a normal thing for religious as well as non religious alike...but the way they handle stress and their thought and belief systems are different..in a way they are more balanced as they dont deal with the stresses of everyday life .......

Which brings me to the point that damn hell lot of us would be well balanced if we didnt have to deal with everyday stressors....!!!!!

I see it like this.......The religious serve one specific religion and their activities and outreach is in the name of the specific religion ...not all of them can be called spiritual ....When you meet a person who has a deep connection with their spirit you just know ...however most of the religious devote time to still them selves and get in contact with their being .......that's why they are calm and sure of them selves cause they have this firm belief that not much can go wrong for them and even if their still waters are disturbed they make it a point to find the time to go within them selves and seek the cause of the disturbance and deal with it. They are in constant awareness of themselves and their surroundings ..they experience life fully.
Im not denying....... it is a nice life...I am very attracted by it.....the problem is that even though I'm a catholic ..(not a devout one at that )I want a more secular outlet............I do believe in Jesus Christ....but I also believe that we are our own Gods ...we all have the potential to live fully and shape our future......and by going into your self you find your power and the power of the universe surrounds you.

 I can compromise anything but I just cant compromise my beliefs. I do believe in a greater power ...
But its a fact that I can believe and the power manifest its self to me because I am here and alive andI can think and feel...which Brings me to one Question ....where would God be if we werent here???



The power is always there but we make it special.;)

Wish me luck and pray for me....that I may keep an open mind in whatever Im about to learn and do..and also that I camly make a decision.

She says no preassure but well the very line scares me!

I believe...

Still haven't got my thoughts clear I really want to get out of my state of confusion !!!!!!
I hope it happens Soon ..........
Recently when I was speaking with my mentor of sorts ..she gave me this very interesting meaning of evil .....She said that evil is .......Something that prevents you from living your highest life ....Something that prevents you from experiencing the world as a whole and something that creates fear and destroys the love in your life ..........
I listened awe struck whatever she said appealed to me.. u know......... very deeply....
I want to over come my fears I hope I can be true to myself and at peace with what I choose ........
I have one thing affirmed though ...
I do believe in a higher power that is around me and within me something that I cant comprehend ...........
I do believe that I'm born to inherit all the good in this world ..I know Ill grow towards it ....

This is what I have posted on my facebook profile and I mean every word of it!!
" Right now for me...life is about overcoming the fear to Live and Love..!"
I hope I am a master of this one day ...........

Random!

Not too much to write about lately .....have been getting to be a good student, being dozing less in class n sitting on the first bench !!!!OMG They have finally got me too .....But after the revelation That I actually have only one life I have decided to LIVE it!!!!
I have two hands ......Two legs ...Ten fingers,Ten toes Two perfect Eyes, ears and one Nose that unfortunately doesn't come with a built in filter for protection against nose hair burning "Aromas"...But Its the main Source of my life ...So since I'm living this Life might as well Live it ..........
Learning Abnormal Psychology has made me even more thankful for Normalcy .......Its a Gift .....
After telling My aunt Ive got the writers block I guess It shifted ......

I will be going for a discernment camp soon to see to what Life I'm inclined to ...Well I'm going there  with an open mind but well I'm not too sure U know...M no religious ............According to some of the religious that I know I should be heading towards hell cause I don't go for Sunday mass....Which makes me think ..................did my ancestors before Christianity go there too????
I love the ideology of my religion ...love the way it functions ..I wouldn't be me If it wasn't for the youth group n all, I have Grown tremendously..but I hate someone imposing  their beliefs on me it kinda suffocates me !!!!!People telling me how to sit how to behave how to laugh ( you musn't laugh Loudly what would people think ???) Bull Shit !!!
I'm not a standard make in the Factory of the universe!!!!
Im Zena
I laugh loudly ................sometimes stand like a boy
..........................don't mind eating straight out of the serving bowl, ................I say whats on my mind,
Smell my belly button....... who doesn't !!!!!
I would rather hire someone to take a bath for me......
Ride my bicycle to places far away .......alone..yeah in Mumbai ....
HAte lizards .....
Have a big problem with people who are rigid n Expect me to be too ....
Cant stand people who think they are factory made ....
Im saying this I guess cause of an encounter with a close friend of mine ...she is a good friend but has been brought up with real rigid values ....I wish she would lighten up U know ...easily offended ........I kinda get stressed being around her ...she is such a good friend...but when people suffocate me I tend to distance my self from them ..Ive told her this n she knows .....well I guess Its some of her Issues That She has to deal with first.....but we will make this friendship work ...it will take time ..but it will work eventually........
Well I am missing another friend too ...I distanced myself from him cause of the feelings that I was developing for him n I felt that I was expecting too much...I guess with some people Just friendship isn't enough ...........
well I gotta stop this trend of running away ...I find it okay running from suffocating people though....(for a while to regain Sanity )....but this running away from "feeling" Ive gotta stop and learn how to handle it ..But for now I would give it a rest cause of my studies ..
I need to remain focused ..I have many options for myself ... keep vacillating here n there so i have to reach a firm ground before taking a final Step....hopefully that would be soon ......

I haven't been to see my cat will go most probably on Tuesday ..poor guy will have to deal with the loss of half his front leg ...He will cope though .... Grumble and would want to be pampered but he will Cope .......
Mean while a dog here one that was abandoned next to my place developed a bad infection ... yeah my friends the maggots were here too N boy were they big ....We normally Call a NGO that Goes by the name Karuna that means Compassion or pity in Hindi ..they send a van to treat the dog .....Shedid her disappearing act both the times the van came .........after a short of motivational Scolding from my dad I decided to take matters in my own hands ...Called the doc n asked him what I could do ...he recommended some medicines that had to be put on the wound ...got help from a neighbour n did the needful ..It was not pleasant ..the poor thing was in so much pain ....she was trying to break free of the chain with which we tied her .......the van came the next day(thankfully my dad found her n tied her)  she got better treatment....but when I saw her he next day she had a lump formed on her chest ....I dont know what it is.. havent seen her after that...I hope she died if it was something serious ........It would be better for her ....
Boy did that dog teach me patience ............She kept trying to enter our home when she was first abandoned here .....She was hyper 24/7 like she was on drugs or something .....Kept Jumping on us whenever we went out ....Would mess our clothes..... she wanted attention ...so she would divert ours to her ............But she thought me loads of patience ....I kept reminding my self that it wasnt her fault she is just a puppy who wants to be loved and cared for ......its the people who gave her a home n then abandoned her,  who should be kicked So hard that their teeth break!!!!!!! I kinda Dont like people who abandon Dogs and Children and their parents now .....well they may have reasons But apart form the parents..(cause having parents is not what one can decide). ..they should take responsibility for their actions n make sure that the innocent are not affected !!
Well I hope this dog ...Bitch actually gets out of her misery or gets well soon ........Okay I have to get some Shut eye gotta be fresh for a long day in college tomorrow !!!!!!Ill leave you with a Quote from one of my favourite movies that depicts the triumph of the human spirit.

“It ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." -Rocky Balboa(Sylvester Stallone)

Cya later ....keep moving forward !!!!

The foolish maiden!!

She took the scissors and cut the threads, 

 They bled, 

Far away she heard the baby cry, 

Unfed unnourished it will surely die! 

 It hurt.... yeah It did.

 She ran and in the darkness hid..... 

Comfort Comfort Comfort
 Purposeful ignorance is Bliss. 

What are you scared of maiden ???? 

"Nakedness.....". 

The wound is deep but it will heal,

 The scar remains .... reminds her of the futility of it all .......... 

She looks upon her self .... 

"Pity... "

 "It will heal... "

but the scar remains .... 

  It tells her what she stood to gain.

An important lesson !!

Six days long time ...well I have done a lot of stuff and so six days seems like eternity to me like the moment it seems like a good solid month u know ....well it was teachers day on the fifth of September ....I'm a part of a christian club in college and we have mass on every first Friday of the month ....and so this first Friday mass was dedicated to the teachers .....It was a lovely service ...the sermon was really great u know the priest was a Salesian ..who has worked in the missions in Africa .... he spoke about the qualities that a teacher should have ..and assigned a quality to every letter of the word TEACHER...he said that a teacher should be a coach and not a referee ....the main distinction being that a ref points out mistakes ...and a coach trains you to learn from them and avoid them ............he also quoted a line from the movie 'Lions for lambs' it was about a situation where the teacher is trying to get a extremely demotivated student to do something he is passionate about ..the student gets irritated and snaps back ate him saying that he is just a teacher he shouldn't be interfering in the matter ...however the teachers says that he is a sales man ....so the student snaps back n says so the what do u sell ....and then the teacher says the most profound thing ....he says ......."I sell you to yourself"....my eyes welled up when I heard this It was meant for me Very recently one of my class teachers who is also a good friend called me and questioned me bout my test scores ...she asked me ....whether I was doing my studies according to my full potential ??? I said no ...it was the truth ..I know I can do better but had no motivation to do so ...I don't know where I slipped .....Studies really didn't seem important any more I talked my self into accepting low test scores ....not really doing my 100% since 40-50% got me the required marks .... Well at first I was hurt and angry at the fact that my professor called me and gave me a earful about my marks and my lack of motivation in my studies .....I was almost in tears ...almost... But the next day Listening to the sermon during mass made me realise how lucky I am to have a professor like her teaching me ..who is genuinely concerned bout my academic performance.......... I know why I was lethargic and all ......I in some way rationalised....I don't know how ...(maybe to rationalise my laziness )........that we are all going to die some day and well we need to give importance to our immediate pleasures cause who knows if we would see the light of the next day.... ..this made me very impulsive in the studying department ...I have taken everything very lightly ...cause I know nothing very bad can happen ..or even if it does I would make it not feel that bad to me ......and so well I can say I was kinda wallowing in mediocrity ..It may not seem like that to the outside world but to me.. well....... I feel that way ........ Teh next day while having breakfast I was thinking of the previous day ...I thought aloud ...why struggle so hard if your going to die in the end ?????? And then like an answer to my Question there came another question "Why do I have to stop living even If I know I'm going to die one day??" and then It all became clear to me ....... Thinking that it would all be a waste I was wasting my self ....n now living the life to the fullest cause well its only this one life I have, makes sense ...........why should I let my self get wasted waste all my possibilities all the opportunities for the fear that it would all be useless when I would die ????Shouldn't that give me more incentive to live ????hell yeah!!!!!!!!!!! Its so simple now .....Its only one life make it large experience it fully !!!I know this is a very obvious view ...but the way it hit me!!!! It will stay now .....I will remember why I want to be what I want to be and why I don't want to settle for less ..............I am very pleased that I had this experience cause its not to late for me to change ...........And change I will ..I will do my best or at least try .....in what ever I do .......Ive got this new ideology and will stick by it ...if today was my last day would I be happy living the way I am living now ????I will be changing that answer to a yes ..... ........And no the sun isnt shinning out of every nook and cranny of my being but trust me Im getting there!!!!!....

Cinderella

Watched it with my Niece.Really like the way they have made her character her movements her voice the way she speaks ..........Its a WoW for me ...I also realised one thing ..Cinderella wouldnt have been Cinderella if she didnt go through what she went through.....her pureness her innocence captured me .She was a dreamer .......Who believed ........had faith ..inspite of what she went through .... HAVE FAITH IN YOUR DREAMS, KEEP BELIEVING , CAUSE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOUR HEART IS GRIEVING... THE DREAMS THAT YOU WISH WILL COME TRUE. Cinderella's Song .....or something like it ......To An Awesome cartoon ....Who reminds us ......to keep the faith ....cause ... "There can be miracles when you believe." Cya !

FEELINGS .......

I don't Like them !!!! At all !!!!they are the most irrational part of me and dominate my life ....I can see Reason but I still cant help how I feel!!!!! Why oh Why DO we Feel ????? Especially the feeling of Love !!! more specifically Teenage Love !!!!!!!I never thought Id say this ...But for the want Of a better name !!!!!!! Its the most annoying thing ever ...I know I have to face it but life would e better without a part of U feeling that u don't want to feel this way towards some person ...... But U still do!!!!!! Well I cant blame feelings ..they tell us who we are and are the primitive part of our selves !!!! But what do u do when u feel something u don't want to feel ...?? Well you suck it up and realise .....feelings are irrational and primitive and Most of the time u are defined not by what u feel ...(cause obviously people don't see what you feel unless you tell them or let it show ) But by how you react to the feeling ............. Well for me when I feel I do have a tendency to feel deeply ...very deeply ....I don't know why it has to be that way but like it or not it is and its pissing off!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I wish I could wrap these feelings and throw them in some river and let them float away ........but unfortunately that's not a luxury any of us can afford ...cause even if we suppress what we feel it tends to manifest it self in unconcious ....n also physically!! ....some one told me that u get ulcers if u don't "let it out"!!!! LET IT OUT !!!!! and face the consequences! ....which may result in .........

1. Good feelings or.....
2. Further shit that you have to deal with !!!!!!

Well We do feel things for a reason ....but come on!! attraction to some one you are better off not attracted to ........Don't u think that I should have a Say in it!!!!!! Some part of it??????

Goodness !!!! Goodness !!I was the one laughing at such people!!!!! and then reality takes a U turn and hits me head on and leaves me there ....to realise that I'm human ....To realise that I cant run for ever !!!!!

..To realise that Ive gotta deal with it and Learn! ....well learning is the only thing that makes it going through this teenage turmoil worthwhile....... N heck why did it choose to happen so late !!!!...Isn't it supposed to be a mile stone or something ??????????I'm almost twenty for crying out loud !!!Shouldn't I be able to deal with this ????? Does this recurring turmoil ever end ???

And the answer is there just hanging there like a sword above my head ..........

They never go ..these feelings ......They are always there !!! We just learn to deal with them .....

Maybe some time in later life when we are much older and have been there and done that we will look back and realise what a Lesson....one feeling whether LOve, anger, jealousy or sadness brought us...

Or it can so happen that sometime later in life when we are much older and have been there and done that ...that one of these feelings will return with greater intensity !!!laughing and mocking you in the face reminding you of a time long forgotten or locked away ...and telling you ......Living life includes feeling it ....

We were reminiscing on the behavior of one of my friends who was suffering from a bad break up ....she used to listen..........to sad songs that would really put you into more depression .........I didn't like that fact ...cause instead of coming out of depression listening to such music makes u go deeper into it .......we were talking about this recently........

And she told me that she doesn't regret it ....she said she had to go completely into this feeling of rejection to come out of it ....I nodded ....I couldn't help but say ...True ..

I look at her now ....wiser ..more mature .....dealing with her feelings ....and wonder ..would she be that way had she not gone through such a heart break????

The answer is a plain and simple NO ........we learn through experience..if not the heart break ..It would have taken something of the same magnitude to inspire Growth and learning ....the child will learn how to handle fire once he realises that fire has the potential to burn ..... .....

So well I guess Its a privilege To feel like shit then ....cause u Grow ....and you learn.

And well ...we need something to rock our boats and get our pulse racing from time to time ...otherwise whats the fun ????

A little turbulence can make a other wise boring plane journey slightly more eventful...a lot of it will shake you up!! ..however it will leave you with new found appreciation for a smooth ride ...till u get bored again and wish for turbulence .......

I don't know what I was complaining about ...going through this seems like the most natural thing to happen now..........whats the fun other wise without battling feelings of attraction, Jealousy, sadness, rejection.......whats the fun without a little turbulence ??????

Well as my brother once very very wisely said - "Life is a bed of roses ..the thorns are just complimentary" ....

I say! Aye !