A curious Virus.

Woke up with a weird feeling today, alas I was Infected! ……


 I looked at my notes of economics that I possessed and my reaction confirmed my belief,I didnt understand anything ……Gibberish!

I, as I told a good friend earlier that nite was Under-Under Prepared…Oh well.. I thought Ill at least give the exam, beats not giving one..

Somehow this year, I’m not scared of doing like Crap!......Well… the fact that this time the marks don’t matter and will have no consequence whatsoever does help to ease my worries..;).

Turns out that none of the people I know were prepared……..at all.

And these were not just people saying that they were not prepared because they wanted to blend in with the crowd, by the looks of it there is a I-don’t-care-enough-to-study-for-the exams flu going around campus, or is it just a few friends I know ??*anxious*I hope the virus does its Job.

                While in the train, I was not making a great effort to study, I didn’t see the point ..how much more could I cram up?? ..and I had to understand what I was reading, I don’t understand sometimes what’s with economics..whats with the big words? By the time I reach the middle of the page my mind stops registering what I read and I’m just reading, kinda like what happens during the lectures!   So I was jabbering away in the train to keep myself entertained, no I really didn’t care that my friends were trying to study, since we were bitten by the same bug I knew they were just trying to appear normal for the fear of God -alone- Knows what!! ….Karen even said a few times that she didn’t feel like studying ! But yet the poor thing was making an effort to cram..

                 As a part of my train entertainment programe I started with me "Whys" (my favorite companions) Why do we have to study?  What consequence is our education going to have ?  Will I need to know Lewis’s Theory of unlimited labour supply to survive? Will Solow and Lebinstein help me with the laundry?
We all know we are doing this for the stupid certificate that calls us Graduates…but what’s the point of graduating if well at the end of it we don’t know what we are graduating for!

I made a wrong choice I tell U and I am realizing it now ……But if I didn’t make this choice I would never know its wrong…

 I didn’t think it out properly, and I have to live with it!

                     When we reached Grant Road Station, we decided that we would get done in half an hour and meet in the canteen later, I met my friend Cheryl on my way to class, she appeared so calm and confident, I asked her if she was prepared she told me she wasn’t, some how I couldn’t buy that, It intimidated me further, I told her I was under-under prepared and she said its okay everyone is ….She didn’t seem so, I wished her Luck and headed for class. I was glad I didn’t come across any class mates, they ask me whether I have done this and that and name chapters I never knew existed! This does nothing for my nerves, it also hampers with my ability to make upon stuff on the spot and this is a ability I had to rely on today so I had to maintain it!

                 I wrote Slowly and deliberately in class, I was thinking about how to make my self sound convincing, and I just attempted three out of the eight questions there, so well, I thought Id do my best*sniggers*. I hoped to be the first out of class but two fellow infected economic double majors got there before me, Oh well I thought, third place for me then, just had to complete a sentence but when I raised my head I saw another ailing Double major leave !

Not even Third !!! WHY GOD WHY!!*sniff sniff*

                   I “completed” my paper and handed it over with a big smile on my face.. I don’t know why. I guess the first times are always special . I knew that other fellow infecteds would soon follow. Everyone waits for someone to hand over the paper first, some one..a leader.. to take the initiative and non verbally express the simple truth , “I didn’t study and I don’t Give a damn”, the rest follow immediately. I don’t know why I was smiling, I gave a dismal performance but yet there was a spring in my step. It’s the virus I guess, I like being infected though.

                On my way out I met Cheryl I asked her how she did, she said she wrote one… actually half an answer, she was glowing, Cheryl’s joy is very infectious!! It looks like I was the one bluffing when I was boasting about how under-under prepared I was! We had a good Laugh and I was on my way home. Abnormal Psychology next……I'm still infected though.

                Oh and I didn’t mention this, on our way to college I was testing out Karen’s Foofa Fortune game, Its something like a virtual Magic eight ball …

This was my Question,

“Are these studies important, will they matter in Life?”

                      Foofa answers: NO WAY!

                         All hail the Foofa!!!!!!!!!!!!

My worst paper ever and Im all smiles.........Some..Including my former self, may say I have lost it.....

But the Mona Lisa Smile I see in the mirror reminds me.......I know something that U don't...*Wink*

Mera Favourtie Word.....

"Why?..."
One word ....
It will get you Thinking,
Understanding,
Questioning....
Don't be satisfied with the "it has to be this way", "because I said so", "they said so, so it must be true", "Just"or "No reason" answers ....

Firstly ...with me .. the last two can be majorly disappointing conversation Killers!

And well there is almost always a reason behind everything.....

A satisfying answer just as unique as we are, that makes sense and resonates with our being.......(here I'm really not talking bout stuff like, "Why do U like Tea and Not Milk? " although..come to think of It there are good reasons hmm...I can elaborate ...But I'll spare U the trouble....)
Discovering such "answers" has given me great Joy ..and made life more meaningful..................

I Love "WHY"!!!

Its the best Word ever made ...invented ...spoken...
Question the world around you ...Its fun....

Embark on the journey of the "Why"!

All U need is an Open Mind and a Receiving Heart Books, the Internet, Patient parents, Supportive friends and a world that understands the obsession......:)

Who is it?

12/3/93, 11/7/06, 26/11/08...........................Etched ???humph.....




Spirit of Mumbai?



...or just an excuse to say that we will not do a thing yet again...
The beeping metal dectors at Churchgate echo my sentiments......


_/_/09?  _/_/10?  _/_/11?



It will happen....... it’s not coz I’m without hope for Peace...not because I’m a cynic ...but right now.. living in Mumbai..In India…In this world.. . I know.......



Is Kasab to blame?..

Or the handlers who trained him.. who thought him to kill till the last breath?

Or those who indoctrinated these handlers ?

Who indoctrinated them ?

Why didn’t anyone tell them this was not the way?

Who stood up to set an example???

Who stood Up against War?

...............U.S? U.K? Russia? India?

Is the death sentence for Kasab the answer?

What right do we have to tell these people to stop?

Our government isn’t exactly using Peace and Non Violence as Foreign Policy is it?



Do we as citizens use it?



Terrorism…It All started somewhere for a reason....... It wouldn’t have sustained if there wasn’t any reason for it to......



Every terrorist has a family

Every Terrorist has a Mother, a Father, a Brother, a Sister............

Every Terrorist is Grieved for by this family



Every Family member is human and therefore feels the anger feels the pain of losing someone they Loved.....Someone who laughed cried and played with them.........



Who killed him???

….Those people....

I’ll Kill them..............


(Relative of a terrorist or that of his Victim ....U decide)



Terrorist are but Humans passionate about a cause.. to such a point that they are ready to Kill and Die for it.....

What is the difference between those who killed the 140,000 people in Hiroshima and 8000 people in Nagasaki with two bombs deployed from thousand of miles above the ground ....


And

Those 10 people who came in on 26/11/08 and wrecked havoc in the city of Mumbai ..... killing 164 people .......and dying in the Process..

Whats the difference between the then U.S president Harry Truman ...and Kasab's handlers?

Which of these can truly be called Terrorist???


Ask the present generation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki who are still suffering from the physical after effects of the Atomic Blast.......

Ask those who are suffering from the emotional after effects of the 26/11 attacks......

Who are the Terrorist??

Is anyone willing to Forgive?
Will  we ever Forget?





"We will not stop until the last of them is Dead...and ________ is completely wiped off from the face of this earth"



The Voice of a terrorist...?

Or

A Cry of a Righteous citizen Seeking Justice...........





....U decide.

Exam Reasoning....

The Exams are approaching (tomorrow) and for once Im not biting my nails .....No No I haven’t become complacent ....I haven’t given up....No.....
But for once I just don’t care that much ......... Its not that the exams are not important ..its that they are not that important ..........

Studies and mugging can only do so much.......

It doesn’t teach me how to live,

How to stand up for myself,

How to deal with disappointments,

How to overcome "failures"......some of the most important lessons that we learn cannot be ...and will never be learnt in a classroom.

It can be learnt during long conversations with friends two days before exams, through silence, by just observing and listening to the world around you. The most important lessons are learnt through feelings of anger, jealousy, guilt, hopelessness, by participating in and experiencing life.

Right now I am taking charge of my life!! It feels so liberating and taking responsibility feels good!

I feel fully aware of the consequences of my actions and am ready to face it......

I am purposely not exactly studying today ............ because my mum’s stressing on it ... the more she says study, the more I don’t want to. I want to study because I want to study ...not because I want to please a Teacher, a Parent or an Aunt..............

Just had a row with my mum and she said I had a responsibility towards them..... I know I do ...but what about the responsibility that I have towards myself? Doesn’t that count for anything???

YEah I have been given a choice and I am thankful to my parents for working so hard that I have one ....but what’s the use of having a choice and then not using it?? I really want to be sure that what I am doing, I am doing because I want to do It ...even if I’m doing something for someone else it should be because I WANT to do it not because I HAVE to do it...... there lies the difference between feeling happy or resentful of one’s choice.

So the not so-important-exams here I come .......sunglasses on, sipping on refreshing coconut water floating on my buoy, relaxed, composed .........let tomorrow come ...Ill deal with it.

Here is a Quote that I put on Facebook a while ago…

"Education Boon or Bane??...depends on who U are ..........I mean....... Look at Einstein!!"   - Zena.

I don’t have anything against education as such, it is very important…..But here in India its not as flexible as it should be.... thats what I think anyway...

Confusion ~ Conclusion!

Zena !!!!Hey come here
Zena Looks confused goes there .........
Zena here!! come here !!!!
But Zena doesn't want to come there No she doesnt!
Zena Sits confused
But what if they are right ..........??????
Come here Zena !!!!
No No No NO NO!!!!
Come !!!!
NO I dont want to !!
Come!
NO NO!
COME!!
Huh?? yeah Im coming ...........
She goes there ..........
Looks around ...........
Hmmmm now I'm sure I dont want to be here you fool! I was right all along!!!I just didnt know!


There she goes, back ....back to her place back to what she knows ............
They will follow .....in their own time they will..........They just dont know yet ...
Stupid People ....making me doubt my self ...
Stupid Zena doubting her self.....

Well now we know ....
Yeah alteast now we know.....

Another Lesson learnt ............
Believe Darling Believe..........

ME???

Who am I????


Does anybody know???

OH MY GOD!!! I Look Like them

Two hands, two legs, two eyes

and one Nose.



Who am I???

Can You see me in the crowd??

Can you hear me....

Can you see me ??

My arms Flailing...Im wailing, out LOUD!!



Who am I??

I know Im different.....

I know Im not like them.

I will never be ....I dont want to be.............



BUT ...

Who AM I

To deny the fact that

The same GOD that dwells in THEM

Also dwells in ME.

- Zena YArde.

Lights, Camera ENERGY!!and a whole Lot More!!!!!!

"Lights Camera Energy!!!!"

This is what I felt when I recently attended a three day drama workshop held at the Dioscese Youth Centre, Bandra.
More than fun (which it obviously was) it was Inspiring!! Very inspiring!!

"All worlds a stage and each must play a part"

Here we were a bunch of eager learners playing our part............
Move Jump Become a tree move your face muscles, smile, frown, stretch, let lose, Let Go!!!! Let GO !!Let Go!!!!!!!!LET GO!!!

                That’s what drama is all about .......Letting yourself go and being possessed ........possessed not only by your character, but also by the incessant desire for perfection, for giving your best for being outrageous!!!!! Larger than life!!!
              Watching Fr Walter made me realize that there is a thin line between casualness, drama and being overly dramatic, actions have to be amplified on stage to captivate the audience, but over amplifying the actions leads to a total crappy sappy performance.
              He split us into groups and asked us to come up with a play that we would have to put up. We came up with a thriller entitled, “Thou shall not”...(I will Put up the video as soon as I get It )......It’s not entirely professional but it’s the best we could do in three days !!! It’s a cool play and the most important thing was we gave it our best...even if we were staging it for a group of 7-8 people .We put our Whole in it ....It was a long time since I wrote a script and well……, the feeling was pure bliss!!! ..Like my brain was rewarding me for realizing that, that part of it exists!!!!!!

               I loved the feeling!!!!! It took me back two years to the time my friend Cheryl and I got together to write a script for an inter-class one act play competition ....It was then I realized that I have a knack for writing ...It was the similar experience only there it lasted for a week .....It’s as Harry felt when he was leading the D.A revolution against Umbridge It was like, "he was carrying a talisman in his chest,over the following two weeks, a glowing secret that supported him through Umbrirdge's class and even made him smile(OMG) blandly as he looked into her horrible buldging eyes!!" I felt the exact same thing ...the script, the immense belief thatour Idea would work, the time we had during practices.... was my Talisman....Everything felt nicer, much more enhanced and I felt.. FREE!!!!!!!
              Very Free!! I didn’t think that people were looking or that I looked like an utter fool when I explained the play to my friends, when I showed them my moves at Grant Road Station.. ... I dint care!!…….. I was Free !!and there was a light within me, it empowered me, really really empowered me, And I did my best!!
          On stage I was Ethan, head over heels in Love with Crystalann .........who needed Cupid to intervene because of Crystalann's disinterest!!!
The performance was outrageous and CRAZY!!!!
I actually danced on stage!!!

               I…ZENA!!! ZENA YARDE 'Super conscious when I dance ZENA'!!!!… DANCED.. on …..STAGE!!!! ………STAGE!!!!! U know how big that was for me?????????????Me??? the eternal "I don’t dance" person?????

And my dance didn’t even have complete proper predetermined steps!!!!!
[ Except for the part where I danced with Crystalann, thanks to the efforts of Cupid (Cheryl ..bless her soul)]
I was totally making it up !!!!!!! Crotch thrust and all!!!!!!!!!!!!!Talk about Letting Go!!!! It was the most ecstatic that I’ve ever felt!!! The Group from St Andrews College that consisted of some really talented HOT guys, was screaming “ONCE MORE !!!ONCE MORE!!!!!!!!!”*Sigh*

Was I in heaven???????

             HeLL YeAH!!!!
          
                     But our balloon badly deflated when we came in Third!!!!No one...and I mean NO ONE!!!! Expected it ............and when they announced Best Actor a lot of them looked at me but some other girl got it!!!!! Oh The Injustice! I tell U!!!!!!
            I was so so so very disappointed!!!!! Cheryl was down too!! I tried to cheer her up but my sad sullen face just wouldn’t do the trick!!!

           But then, on my way home .........thinking about it all .......I Smiled ...............maybe the most satisfied smile in that train......I smiled cause I remembered the time we all spent together practicing for the play ..... The fun we had putting it up. The talisman in my chest glowed brighter and inspite of our "Loss" I was happy!

I learnt that I was talented,

I could dance like crazy in front of 60 something people when I wanted to,

I can write a killer Script that appeals to the audience,

I can get HOT actors Screaming "ONCE MORE ONCE MORE" *sighs* what more could I want????
And, the most important lesson of all .........

"It’s not always the destination But the Journey that counts"

 If the journey was crappy, one would not appreciate the destination too.

And well, the second most important lesson ...Judges decision really reflect their own subjective opinions, bias and observations and may not really be the only decision that would ever be made at that position in time..............

Come on are U going to tell me that those guys …..And girls.. For that matter, screaming for an ENCORE were fools???Naaahhhhh they just judged differently ....and if they liked it We won!

           Our 1st Prize was  members of the other groups saying that we should have won,

           Our 1st Prize was the St Andrews people (who showcased a superb performance themselves later ) screaming "Once more Once more !!!!!"

           Our 1st Prize was the Joy we could feel even when we thought about practice time..

           My Prize is the memories of the play I have, where some really great people I learnt a lot from, really believed in our play and took time off to help us fine tune it !!

           Our 1st Prize was that we actually really really WON the First prize in a more profound way!!!!!

We felt like winners.....during making the play as well as a day after the results were announced!!!(We were not very happy at first remember????)

We ARE winners!!!!

           The three day session on dramatics brought back all those memories, all those feelings ...they filled me as we were planning the play ....the script again became my talisman .........things that seemed so big a moment ago were dropped, Just like that!! ...like those troubles never mattered, like they never were there in the first place.... the play was all I could see..........

         THEATRE …all aspects of it, has such a profound impact on me .........and trust me I have not found something equivalent to it as yet!!!


The Brochure that Fr Walter gave us posed this statement to us

"Drama Requires Dedication of your whole self are you ready for it??"

U already know what my answer is don’t you............??????

         !!!!!! HELL YEAH !!!!!!!!